Monday, January 7, 2008

Looking for a Change

I don't know what it is with me lately. Its like I'm restless in my own skin. I feel like I need a change. Not something trivial, but something profound. I feel like I want to quit my job, pack up and move far away. I'm not saying that this is going to happen, its just this gut feeling that I have lately.
This is strange because I love the small town that I grew up in. I always loved how every time I go to the market I run into someone I worked with, went to school with, or some other random acquaintance. Maybe I just want a challenge. Lately I feel like everything is so mundane and predictable.
That is part of the reason I went back to school and started killing myself with so many units. Except...its not really a challenge, its just something to fill my time.Which I already have too little of. I need to find something that fulfills ME. I think everyone has a sort of "calling" if you will. Whether its art, music, poetry, photography, design, WHATEVER. The people who know what they were born to do and DO it have a joy and peace that others don't.
For Jerad its music. It is a part of him. If he goes for days without singing or playing music he isn't happy. Its something he needs to do.
I'm not saying I'm unhappy with my life. I have a GREAT life. I am in a wonderful, loving relationship. I live in a beautiful cozy house. I have a great paying job. I have sweet adorable pets. I'm finishing my degree and getting great grades. But I need something MORE. Like I said, something that challenges me. Something that makes me feel complete. And something that is MINE and unique to me. Drawing would be the logical choice. I was born with a talent that I have let fall by the wayside. I don't think art ever really brought me true happiness though, it was more like a brief sense of accomplishment when I finished a drawing, and then I would go on to the next project. I would enter my pictures in contests and once I started winning the contests, I just kinda stopped drawing. Its like the challenge was gone.
Photography and traveling are two things that I LOVE. I feel unsettled if I go too long without a road trip. And I take pictures of EVERYTHING. Anyone who knows me teases me for this. In high school I took like 3 years of photography lessons but they were way more focused on developing techniques than actual photography techniques. Maybe I should work on that? Then I could go on a road trip and document it. Jerad has seen so little of the United States and really wants to see more so it would be perfect. That should keep me busy in the meantime until I find whatever it is that I'm looking for. Hopefully I stay fulfilled enough that I don't feel the urge to MOVE away to search for whatever it is I'm trying to find.
I also need to find a Church. We were trying for awhile and just kind of gave up. Nothing seems to fit right. I want the kind of joy that people who live in other countries and die for their faith have. Not a church filled with hypocrites who don't really know what they believe. Hmm, I just realized that I have a lot to say about this so maybe I'll save it for a later blog:)

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