Mother-in-law issues.

Oh, you didn't know I had a mother in law? Well, you would be right. And wrong. I had one for quite sometime and she is popping back into my life.

I haven't blogged about this, but I was with my ex for 7 and a half years before we split. Since a few months before I turned 15. I pretty much "grew up" with my mother-in-law. I called her mom. When I was in high school and would get my braces tightened she would make special dinners for me. We went Prom dress shopping together. She altered my wedding dress. We emailed each other multiple times a day. She always wanted me to call her when I got home from any trip, no matter how late it was. I think we became so close because she was such a "motherly" person and I craved that so badly.

I'm not trying to say anything bad about my mom, but by the time I got to high school my little sister Addy was a toddler and demanded most of her attention. Plus we butted heads like any normal teenage mother and daughter do and just kind of grew apart. My mom started going back to school and working and just really didn't have any free time. My family was the type who NEVER went out together to see a movie (I remember 3 times... since I was about 5: The Jungle Book, and Lord of the Rings II and III) and who didn't really spend time together except for dinners and family trips. My in-laws were the type who played games together EVERY NIGHT after dinner and just had that "Leave it to Beaver" feel.

I really became a part of my ex's family. After high school I mostly lived with them. When I had car problems it was my father-in-law that would come help me. When I was having a bad day it was my mother-in-law who would take me to lunch and cheer me up. I could talk to her about ANYTHING and it was just so comfortable. When my ex started working long hours and I was by myself at night I would go to my mother in law's house to do laundry and eat dinner so I didn't have to be alone. And it was fun! I really do have 7 and a half years of wonderful memories with that family.

After the divorce it got harder. We would still go to lunch but those trip became fewer and farther between. There were things said that shouldn't have been. A lot of drama. I would hear things through the grapevine. And it absolutely broke my heart. It felt like "my mom" stopped loving me and I didn't feel like I had done anything to deserve it. Eventually we just stopped talking aside from an occasional email once every few months.

Enter now. We have been talking again. And its been pleasant. She is going to come over and see our house on Friday and we're going out to lunch. There is this part of me that is relieved... like I finally got my family back. Then there are my doubts. First of all, in this weird way I feel like I'm cheating on Jerad somehow. I can't explain it. I've talked to him and he is all for us hanging out, he just tells me not to get my hopes up and not to expect it to be the same as it used to be. I feel like I'm somehow being disrespectful to his mom... don't ask me why my mind makes these correlations... its not like I don't like Jerad's mom, I love her to death! We just don't have the kind of relationship where I call her out of the blue and ask her to go to lunch with me. She would probably think either I was pregnant, or there was something wrong and I was trying to break it to her.

I guess I just don't know if opening this relationship back up is a good thing or its just going to cause more pain. Obviously things are never going to be the same. Its been over 2 years since we have even seen each other. Also, the main thing we had in common, my ex, is not something that I want to talk about but I don't want it to be this weird elephant in the room thing either. Worst case scenario, we go out and have a horrible time and never see each other again. Best case scenario we have a great time and establish a wonderful relationship again. But is that really a good thing? Where does that leave me? She can't be my mom anymore. I'm not going to spend holidays with her family (can we say weird?)

I guess I need to figure out what exactly it is I'm craving. Or what void I am trying to fill. Its not like I'm lonely or need someone to talk to. I have quite a few friends who I am comfortable sharing anything with. I also have Jerad. As goofy as he is, we have the deepest conversations about all sorts of stuff. He is so easy to talk to and will really think about whatever problem I am having and try to come up with the best solution. I get along fine with my mom now. We don't see or talk to each other much, but when we do I have a lot of fun.

Maybe this is just going to open a new can of worms and I should cancel.

Why am I sharing all of this? Who knows. I like to write down my thoughts to get them out in the open. Or I'm hoping someone will have some words of wisdom or advise. This has just been on my mind A LOT lately. Hmm.

drumroll....#50!!!

This is my 50th blog on this page. I've been putting it off for awhile because I sort of felt it was some kind of milestone and I should write something profound. Then I remembered I'm lazy and don't really care so I'll bore you with my new years resolutions:)

If you follow my blogs on myspace, you might remember this one about New Years Resolutions. I had decided that I was just setting myself up for failure by having yearly resolutions and I wanted to do weekly ones instead. Mine for the week were:

1) Cut out all refined sugars from diet and substitute raw sugar or honey.
2)Walk 30 mins and jog 30 mins every day
3) Scrapbook Panama and Hawaii trips
4) Write Christmas Thank You Cards

and then I sort of never mentioned it again. Well, here is an update! I have cut out pretty much all refined sugars out of my diet except for an occasional slip up, i.e. coffee and cake at a baby shower this weekend. The walking and jogging happened like 3 days that week I think. I now have a lovely scrapbook of both Panama and Hawaii. If you gave me a Christmas present, then you have probably realized by now you are NOT getting a thank-you card. THANK YOU though and I really am grateful.

I have come to realize that me being a perfectionist gets in the way of a LOT of things. Take for example thank-you cards. I want to use beautiful stationary and write long heartfelt messages. So, I look through my stationary and decide there is none I like and I need to buy some. So, 2 weeks later I finally do. Then I want to write long heartfelt messages that show people how much their gifts, whatever they are, really touched me. But I don't have the time so I put it off and put it off until March is almost over and I would rather not embarrass myself by reminding people that I was just getting around to sending out thank yous. In reality if I just jotted down a quick note and sent them out people would be fine.

I am really trying to stop being such a perfectionist and to have a "something is better than nothing" attitude about more things.

Keeping this in mind, I decided to try to make some progress as far as my eating, exercising, and paying off debt goes. I have joined Curves gym. I had been wanting to start going back to Kennedy for so long, but its so expensive and between work and school I really would have no time unless I was going to go at 6AM and I get too little sleep as it is. So, since my friend Beth had recently joined and was getting such great results, I decided to try it too! I joined March 4th and have worked out almost every day since then. I have also started drinking tons of water. This has been something I have always struggled with, but after I started working out I found out I'd die if I wasn't getting enough H2O.

I have had NO soda in the past 2 weeks except 1/2 a cup at a family dinner (Jerad's) this weekend.

Its only been 2 weeks, so I haven't really noticed a difference yet except that I am sleeping a lot better and have had less headaches. I get my first weigh-in April 4th which is just 2 and a half weeks away and I am really hoping to have lost a few inches by then:)

At home we are eating almost exclusively organic meat, dairy, fruits and veggies. I try to only buy things with no hydrogenated or partially hydrogenated oils and to choose wholegrain complex unrefined carbs, instead of the simple refined "white" stuff.

As far as debt goes, we have paid off ALL of Jerad's credit card debt *claps* and I am down to one card with about $1500 that I hope to have paid off in the next 2 months. This is HUGE for me because I accumulated a lot of stuff after the divorce when I was on my own as far as bills go for awhile.

I am so happy with this year so far. It seems like everything is finally falling in place. School has been HARD and I don't get much sleep, but I am learning new things and doing well. Jerad is loving it too, mostly because he is interested in all the classes we have. I feel so accomplished everyday when I force myself to go workout. We are finally finishing all the projects around the house. I've been hanging out with my friend Beth at least once a week and its been soo nice to have "girl time" and get to vent/share/talk to someone who has a lot in common with me and is married to someone very similar to Jerad.

I really hope the rest of the year keeps getting better! Our next item on our "to-do list" is to find a church we really like. We have tried a bunch in North County and I just don't feel like any are really clicking. I think we will branch out to SLO or Pismo which is unfortunate because that means a 30-45 minute drive each way but I think going to a church that doesn't fulfill you is pointless so the drive will be worth the effort. I'll keep you updated!

You know its a good day when...

... one of these is waiting in the mail for you:I'll confess, STAR is totally my guilty pleasure. I like the pictures and sadly, I love the celebrity trash talk and gossip. True there are starving children and our country is heading into a recession, but those are the last things I want to read about after a 10 hour work day. Give me my Britney gossip!

In other obsessions, instead of going out to lunch like we usually do on Wednesdays, Jerad and I met at home so we could watch LOST. Man oh man do I have questions!!!! I have been perusing a bunch of LOST blogs lately and its not helping to calm my curiosity. I am running on like 5 hours of sleep because we have been staying up till almost midnight watching the episodes on abc.com thank you lucky stars for online streaming!!!

I almost ALMOST wish they would just end the series so my mind could be put to rest. Remember the 4 toed foot statue? What the heck was up with that?


According to a few people in the Room 23 brainwashing video at 53 seconds, a picture of a statue appears but I can't see it. Is anyone else as obsessed as me?

Florida, Christmas Lights, and Yard oh my!

I woke up today with an intense desire to go to Florida. I have no idea why but its been consuming me all day! I was there a couple of years ago and didn't think there was anything that amazing about it, so I don't know why all of a sudden I just HAVE to go. Seriously, I have been looking up flights and hotels all morning. Realistically we have zero time for such a trip so I'm sure nothing will come of it.
Also, this weekend as we were taking down the Christmas lights (don't laugh, we KNOW that its February. Seriously people, we have NO free time) I realized that our front yard is in bad need of some sprucing up. It doesn't help that 2 of our neighbors have totally re-done their yards. Ours is looking pretty shabby in comparison. The people that we bought the house from planted a few things right before they put the house on the market and all of the plants have either died in the freezes or have grown into big monstrous things.

This weekend (in our free *har har* time) I want to rip out all the plants, extend the lawn, trim the tree, and put pavers under the windows and in front of the porch. Then Jerad can build some window boxes and I'll get some pretty pots to go in front of the porch. Any other ideas?

This is what the house looked like when we first bought it:
And this is it now (1 year 5 months later):
It was getting dark in these pics and half the Christmas lights are still up, but you can get the idea. This is the front of the house and I would like to remove all these plants and get pavers that match the walkway to put in front of the porch and a few rows under the windows:

This is the side fence that we will be replacing later this year with either a white, taller fence, or a stone fence. This is where I would like roses or some other plants:
I am thinking something like this for the window boxes, but with legs and stained a reddish color:

I need something simple that we can keep up with.
Then something like this in front of the porch on the new pavers:

Once the rains stop (and we come up with about $4000) we are tearing out the fence and replacing it. I was thinking we could plant roses in front of it?
These are other types of plants I like and will (supposedly) grow well in our area:






Any tips or suggestions would be greatly welcomed. Thanks!

Edit: After a few emails I'd just like to clarify that that little fence is not going to cost $4000, there is that fence and a big fence that goes all the way around our backyard, plus the rental house. Plus we need to build a retaining wall. Hope that clears it up:)

How can a few little hairs hurt so much?

"Our therapists wax the delicate skin of the face with the utmost care. We offer tweezing and hot wax for more sensitive skins. Waxing is a highly personal treatment and your comfort and satisfaction are of the highest priority to us."

Why do I buy into this crap time and time again? Waxing HURTS. And you don't get used to it over time. One of my friends has her face, arms and legs waxed. My friend Dom even has the. inside. of. her. nose. waxed. I just walk into a salon and my skin starts turning red and burning and my eyes start watering. Then they take you into a little room that is supposed to be peaceful but really they are just trying to get you secluded enough the other customer's can't hear you cry. Waxing may be for some people, I'm going to boycott. This can be the new me:
Cousin It, from the Adams Family... get it?!? Okay, I'm a dork, pretend you didn't read it. And as much as it hurts and I whine (and turn red, and get puffy, and cry tears) I guess I will keep going back because I do love the results and there is no way I am patient enough to use tweezers. I'd rather just shave off my eyebrows and draw them on... you all know some classy person that does this. Okay, End rant, gotta stop writing so I can make it to my torture apt.

One, Two, Three, FIGHT!!!

Last night was one of "those nights." Before I explain, let me preface by saying that Jerad and I don't fight much. Seriously! we are both big "talkers" so normally we just work through little things before they become big. The exception is usually when I am just super emotional for no apparent reason (I am THE PMS poster-child) and blow things out of proportion. Even then, I understand that I am the one being ridiculous. My ex was not a talker. He was a leave-the-room-later-pretend-it-never-happened-er. He was also a go-to-bed-angry-and-it-will-magically-work-itself-out-while-we-are-sleeping (er). This caused lots of problems. I don't feel like an issue is dealt with until it is discussed, the root of the problem is identified, we figure out how to prevent it in the future, and both get out everything we need to say. THEN I can go to bed happy and put it out of my mind. Early on in Jerad and my relationship, we decided that this method worked very well for us and would hopefully prevent fighting the same fight over and over. We also decided that we would never go to bed angry. This has resulted in about 3 sleepless nights over a 2 year time period where we literally talk ALL night but things always work themselves out. Then there was last night.

We got back from class at about 10:30 and were putting the dogs and cats in their various sleeping places and getting ourselves ready for bed. I made the comment "it is so weird to me how the US is so 'new' compared to other civilizations?"

his answer: "not really."

me: "I just mean, compared to say England, the Inca's, the Mayans, Egypt, we are just so new." I was basically just thinking out loud.

He then reminded me that the Indians were here before us for thousands of years.

"I know, but when I think of the settlers, I always think it was sooo long ago. Its only been a little over 200 years. Thats crazy to me!"

Again, just sharing a little THOUGHT I had.

He then starts telling me all about yeah but we came from England blah blah blah. WTF, are we seriously going to argue about this?

So I started saying stuff like WHAT I MEANT WAS the US is not like England where we have really old buildings and all this HISTORY. 200 years is just "new" to me.

This was not something I wanted to talk about. I was just voicing a little though and thinking he was going to say something like "yeah." and that would be it.

Then he just kept going on and on about England so I pointed out that you really can't compare our culture with England because the whole reason people came to America was for a CHANGE. You know, different form of Government, different religious views... Ahem, new way of life.

And.he.just.kept.arguing.

So I sarcastically said something like "whoa, I had no idea you felt so strongly. you're right, we are pretty much the oldest civilization ever... total opposite of new... i really don't care, we need to be awake in like 7 hours lets just go to bed."

Obviously, this pissed him off and opened a whole new can of worms. Before I knew it the conversation turned to him talking about how we had COMPLETELY different views on everything important.

me: like what?

him: everything that is important.

me: like?

him: just values, our whole belief system. you know, everything important.

me (calmly): I can tell this is really important to you and I am just trying to understand. can you give me an example.

him: stuff like how to raise kids.

me: what do we disagree on?

him: like if we have a daughter, when she can do stuff like wear makeup and date.

me: well, I think that something that one girl might be ready for at 13, another might not be till 17 and those kind of decisions should be based on the child, not some pre-set age we decide on before said child is even conceived. what do you think?

him: well, that is pretty much what I think. bad example. nevermind.

me: what are these other differences that are clearly driving you crazy?

him: like our religious beliefs.

me: what do I believe that is so different????

him: well, I can't think of anything off the top of my head.

It went on like this for a LONG TIME. me asking questions, him having no answer but insisting how we had these life altering fundamental differences. Damn you America and your newness, why did you have to bug my thoughts??? At some point during this I had gotten into bed and he was still getting ready and I kind of spread myself across the entire bed, clearly leaving no room for him and hoping he would get the hint and sleep in the guest room or ask me to move over giving me the chance to say "I don't want to sleep in the same room as you while you are being ridiculous." Immature I know but you know, "when in Rome..." or apparently "When in America..." Instead he just got into bed laying on like the bottom corner with his feet hanging off and pretended not to notice. Okkkkkaaaaaaaay.

Our pointless conversation went on... and on... and on... and on....andonandonandon. He said we liked different kinds of foods (even if this were true I would hardly call it a MAJOR difference in our velief system).... I asked him what meals I made in the last month he didn't like... he said he liked all of them.... until it got to the point where he said "I just dont think we should get married when we have these huge differences to work out." and I exasperatedly asked "what differences are you talking about, you still haven't told me one?!?!?" Then I asked if he was just getting cold feet and was using this as an excuse, and to please explain to me what was going on. He told me that that wasn't it at all, he loved me to death and wanted to be with me..... he just wanted to work through all these (undefined...imaginary...(litterally unexplainable) problems first.

I was actually really proud of myself, I never lost my temper, never raised my voice, just kept TRYING to ask probing questions. I was so calm in fact that I fell asleep. It was like 12:30AM by this point giving me a short 5 hours to sleep. This morning we woke up, everything was great, got ready kissed each other goodbye.... and never spoke of it again.

What do I do? I think I am going to chalk this one up to momentary lapse of sanity on his part... or maybe he just felt the need to argue? Who knows. I guess until I hear some issue that we can actually work on I will just forgive-and-forget.

I will not!

"smile" - Why do people say to others "smile"? Do they think that the other person simply forgot, and that with a simple reminder, the other person will be grateful for having been reminded? Are they so demanding that everyone has to conform to their wishes to at least pretend to be blissfully happy, whether or not the person feels that way? What if the person doesn't feel like smiling? Perhaps it's not a bad day or a good day, but just a day. There are lots of those. Ordinary. Normal. No need to frown, but no need to be smiling all the time. People tend to be wary of others with a constant smile pasted on their face for no apparent reason anyway. Why can't someone just be neutral, non-emotional? Or maybe someone is having a bad day. Maybe they have a headache. Or maybe they had a fight with their spouse. Or maybe their pet died. Or maybe worse. Would telling them to smile help? Or would it be putting them through more stress by insisting that they put on this facade, because some people apparently can't handle it if others aren't smiling constantly? Even if the intentions are good, and unless someone's picture is being taken, PEOPLE SHOULD STOP TELLING OTHERS TO SMILE FOR NO APPARENT REASON!!!!!

A peek into my little mind

As if the things that go through my mind during the day aren't weird enough, here are a few of my dreams:
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Reoccurring throughout childhood:

I am living with my family. The Abominable Snowman comes to our house, throws us out, and starts living there. Luckily I have my My little Pony friends to keep me safe. We sit on the hill above the house and spy on the Snowman. When we think its safe we sneak down and rescue the family cats one at a time so that he won't eat them. One time he catches us and makes us chop his firewood! This is very difficult because the ponies dont really have hands, and I'm too little to really lift the ax. Finally we take the ax and chase him out of the house and reclaim it. During this whole time my parents have been gone somewhere. I hear my mom's car pulling into the driveway and I run outside to greet her. As I arrive at the car, my mom opens the door, and there in two matching car seats are...... wait for it..... 2 toddler Abominable Snowbabies. Then I wake up.

I seriously had this dream (at the time it seemed like a nightmare) at least 10 times as a child.

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Last night:

I went to visit my friend Danielle in Eugene OR, but got lost in Florida on the way so it took forever to get there.
When I did, she had like 7 little hippie children that she had "forgot" to tell me about. So, we decided to go out drinking (and apparently leave the mob of kids at home?!?) but she thought I was probably hungry from my trip to her house (after all I did wind up in FL somehow...) so she decided to cook dinner first.
She was living in this teeney tiny studio apartment and had this little mini stove that was about 2 feet tall. She started making mashed potatoes like no one's business. After few batches she randomly had another baby and put it in a laundry basket on top of the tv (the only free space). Whenever we would finish eating the potatoes, more would appear. After eating for awhile, we got all huge like the blueberry girl on Willy Wonka.
We eventually got full (or couldn't grow any more?) so the kids had to push us out the door. We rolled our way to the bar, but they wouldn't let us in! We got all angry and started bouncing on the ground (like beach balls) trying to knock the bar down. Then I woke up.

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There are many many more. I will look through my old blogs and journal entries and post them as I find them.

Looking for a Change

I don't know what it is with me lately. Its like I'm restless in my own skin. I feel like I need a change. Not something trivial, but something profound. I feel like I want to quit my job, pack up and move far away. I'm not saying that this is going to happen, its just this gut feeling that I have lately.
This is strange because I love the small town that I grew up in. I always loved how every time I go to the market I run into someone I worked with, went to school with, or some other random acquaintance. Maybe I just want a challenge. Lately I feel like everything is so mundane and predictable.
That is part of the reason I went back to school and started killing myself with so many units. Except...its not really a challenge, its just something to fill my time.Which I already have too little of. I need to find something that fulfills ME. I think everyone has a sort of "calling" if you will. Whether its art, music, poetry, photography, design, WHATEVER. The people who know what they were born to do and DO it have a joy and peace that others don't.
For Jerad its music. It is a part of him. If he goes for days without singing or playing music he isn't happy. Its something he needs to do.
I'm not saying I'm unhappy with my life. I have a GREAT life. I am in a wonderful, loving relationship. I live in a beautiful cozy house. I have a great paying job. I have sweet adorable pets. I'm finishing my degree and getting great grades. But I need something MORE. Like I said, something that challenges me. Something that makes me feel complete. And something that is MINE and unique to me. Drawing would be the logical choice. I was born with a talent that I have let fall by the wayside. I don't think art ever really brought me true happiness though, it was more like a brief sense of accomplishment when I finished a drawing, and then I would go on to the next project. I would enter my pictures in contests and once I started winning the contests, I just kinda stopped drawing. Its like the challenge was gone.
Photography and traveling are two things that I LOVE. I feel unsettled if I go too long without a road trip. And I take pictures of EVERYTHING. Anyone who knows me teases me for this. In high school I took like 3 years of photography lessons but they were way more focused on developing techniques than actual photography techniques. Maybe I should work on that? Then I could go on a road trip and document it. Jerad has seen so little of the United States and really wants to see more so it would be perfect. That should keep me busy in the meantime until I find whatever it is that I'm looking for. Hopefully I stay fulfilled enough that I don't feel the urge to MOVE away to search for whatever it is I'm trying to find.
I also need to find a Church. We were trying for awhile and just kind of gave up. Nothing seems to fit right. I want the kind of joy that people who live in other countries and die for their faith have. Not a church filled with hypocrites who don't really know what they believe. Hmm, I just realized that I have a lot to say about this so maybe I'll save it for a later blog:)