Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Mother-in-law issues.

Oh, you didn't know I had a mother in law? Well, you would be right. And wrong. I had one for quite sometime and she is popping back into my life.

I haven't blogged about this, but I was with my ex for 7 and a half years before we split. Since a few months before I turned 15. I pretty much "grew up" with my mother-in-law. I called her mom. When I was in high school and would get my braces tightened she would make special dinners for me. We went Prom dress shopping together. She altered my wedding dress. We emailed each other multiple times a day. She always wanted me to call her when I got home from any trip, no matter how late it was. I think we became so close because she was such a "motherly" person and I craved that so badly.

I'm not trying to say anything bad about my mom, but by the time I got to high school my little sister Addy was a toddler and demanded most of her attention. Plus we butted heads like any normal teenage mother and daughter do and just kind of grew apart. My mom started going back to school and working and just really didn't have any free time. My family was the type who NEVER went out together to see a movie (I remember 3 times... since I was about 5: The Jungle Book, and Lord of the Rings II and III) and who didn't really spend time together except for dinners and family trips. My in-laws were the type who played games together EVERY NIGHT after dinner and just had that "Leave it to Beaver" feel.

I really became a part of my ex's family. After high school I mostly lived with them. When I had car problems it was my father-in-law that would come help me. When I was having a bad day it was my mother-in-law who would take me to lunch and cheer me up. I could talk to her about ANYTHING and it was just so comfortable. When my ex started working long hours and I was by myself at night I would go to my mother in law's house to do laundry and eat dinner so I didn't have to be alone. And it was fun! I really do have 7 and a half years of wonderful memories with that family.

After the divorce it got harder. We would still go to lunch but those trip became fewer and farther between. There were things said that shouldn't have been. A lot of drama. I would hear things through the grapevine. And it absolutely broke my heart. It felt like "my mom" stopped loving me and I didn't feel like I had done anything to deserve it. Eventually we just stopped talking aside from an occasional email once every few months.

Enter now. We have been talking again. And its been pleasant. She is going to come over and see our house on Friday and we're going out to lunch. There is this part of me that is relieved... like I finally got my family back. Then there are my doubts. First of all, in this weird way I feel like I'm cheating on Jerad somehow. I can't explain it. I've talked to him and he is all for us hanging out, he just tells me not to get my hopes up and not to expect it to be the same as it used to be. I feel like I'm somehow being disrespectful to his mom... don't ask me why my mind makes these correlations... its not like I don't like Jerad's mom, I love her to death! We just don't have the kind of relationship where I call her out of the blue and ask her to go to lunch with me. She would probably think either I was pregnant, or there was something wrong and I was trying to break it to her.

I guess I just don't know if opening this relationship back up is a good thing or its just going to cause more pain. Obviously things are never going to be the same. Its been over 2 years since we have even seen each other. Also, the main thing we had in common, my ex, is not something that I want to talk about but I don't want it to be this weird elephant in the room thing either. Worst case scenario, we go out and have a horrible time and never see each other again. Best case scenario we have a great time and establish a wonderful relationship again. But is that really a good thing? Where does that leave me? She can't be my mom anymore. I'm not going to spend holidays with her family (can we say weird?)

I guess I need to figure out what exactly it is I'm craving. Or what void I am trying to fill. Its not like I'm lonely or need someone to talk to. I have quite a few friends who I am comfortable sharing anything with. I also have Jerad. As goofy as he is, we have the deepest conversations about all sorts of stuff. He is so easy to talk to and will really think about whatever problem I am having and try to come up with the best solution. I get along fine with my mom now. We don't see or talk to each other much, but when we do I have a lot of fun.

Maybe this is just going to open a new can of worms and I should cancel.

Why am I sharing all of this? Who knows. I like to write down my thoughts to get them out in the open. Or I'm hoping someone will have some words of wisdom or advise. This has just been on my mind A LOT lately. Hmm.


.heidi.noelle. said...

I am NO expert on this by any means...but I think one of your last statements really made sense...you have lunch and worse case is that you don't ever have lunch again, but maybe best case is that the issues in the past are in the past and that you might be able to have a healthy relationship again but one that looks different to the one you had before. You will know what is best, but I don't think you'll know that answer until you see each other again. Not the greatest wisdom I know...but just my thoughts :)

Steph said...

Thanks:)If nothing else I think I'll get some closure and can go my separate way without always wondering what would have happened if we had met up. Its just so WEIRD to be seeing someone who was a part of my life for so long that I just basically stopped communicating with over the last 2 years. We'll see, I'll post an update Friday or Saturday:)

Julie said...

maybe its because I'm blonde, but I don't understand the whole cheating on jerad thing...

.heidi.noelle. said...

I'll be thinking about you for sure. :)

Steph said...

haha its just me being paranoid. I can't explain it... I guess feel like she is my EX mother-in-law and maybe if I am going to hang out with a mom it should be HIS mom instead.
Probably just because my mom has drilled this kind of thinking into my head:)
I'm just being silly. Its not like I am stopping going to Jerad's family functions or anything to hang out with my ex in-laws. That would be a little ridic.

mommaduck4 said...

I think it will be very good for you to spend some time with her. It is always hard to lose a friend, a very close friend is even worse. If you get the chance to revive any of that friendship you need to.

You don't need to worry about Jerad's mom, I totally understand. The relationship that is supposed to happen will happen. You are a very sweet young lady, there is plenty of you to go around.