Tuesday, February 5, 2008
One, Two, Three, FIGHT!!!
Last night was one of "those nights." Before I explain, let me preface by saying that Jerad and I don't fight much. Seriously! we are both big "talkers" so normally we just work through little things before they become big. The exception is usually when I am just super emotional for no apparent reason (I am THE PMS poster-child) and blow things out of proportion. Even then, I understand that I am the one being ridiculous. My ex was not a talker. He was a leave-the-room-later-pretend-it-never-happened-er. He was also a go-to-bed-angry-and-it-will-magically-work-itself-out-while-we-are-sleeping (er). This caused lots of problems. I don't feel like an issue is dealt with until it is discussed, the root of the problem is identified, we figure out how to prevent it in the future, and both get out everything we need to say. THEN I can go to bed happy and put it out of my mind. Early on in Jerad and my relationship, we decided that this method worked very well for us and would hopefully prevent fighting the same fight over and over. We also decided that we would never go to bed angry. This has resulted in about 3 sleepless nights over a 2 year time period where we literally talk ALL night but things always work themselves out. Then there was last night.
We got back from class at about 10:30 and were putting the dogs and cats in their various sleeping places and getting ourselves ready for bed. I made the comment "it is so weird to me how the US is so 'new' compared to other civilizations?"
his answer: "not really."
me: "I just mean, compared to say England, the Inca's, the Mayans, Egypt, we are just so new." I was basically just thinking out loud.
He then reminded me that the Indians were here before us for thousands of years.
"I know, but when I think of the settlers, I always think it was sooo long ago. Its only been a little over 200 years. Thats crazy to me!"
Again, just sharing a little THOUGHT I had.
He then starts telling me all about yeah but we came from England blah blah blah. WTF, are we seriously going to argue about this?
So I started saying stuff like WHAT I MEANT WAS the US is not like England where we have really old buildings and all this HISTORY. 200 years is just "new" to me.
This was not something I wanted to talk about. I was just voicing a little though and thinking he was going to say something like "yeah." and that would be it.
Then he just kept going on and on about England so I pointed out that you really can't compare our culture with England because the whole reason people came to America was for a CHANGE. You know, different form of Government, different religious views... Ahem, new way of life.
So I sarcastically said something like "whoa, I had no idea you felt so strongly. you're right, we are pretty much the oldest civilization ever... total opposite of new... i really don't care, we need to be awake in like 7 hours lets just go to bed."
Obviously, this pissed him off and opened a whole new can of worms. Before I knew it the conversation turned to him talking about how we had COMPLETELY different views on everything important.
me: like what?
him: everything that is important.
him: just values, our whole belief system. you know, everything important.
me (calmly): I can tell this is really important to you and I am just trying to understand. can you give me an example.
him: stuff like how to raise kids.
me: what do we disagree on?
him: like if we have a daughter, when she can do stuff like wear makeup and date.
me: well, I think that something that one girl might be ready for at 13, another might not be till 17 and those kind of decisions should be based on the child, not some pre-set age we decide on before said child is even conceived. what do you think?
him: well, that is pretty much what I think. bad example. nevermind.
me: what are these other differences that are clearly driving you crazy?
him: like our religious beliefs.
me: what do I believe that is so different????
him: well, I can't think of anything off the top of my head.
It went on like this for a LONG TIME. me asking questions, him having no answer but insisting how we had these life altering fundamental differences. Damn you America and your newness, why did you have to bug my thoughts??? At some point during this I had gotten into bed and he was still getting ready and I kind of spread myself across the entire bed, clearly leaving no room for him and hoping he would get the hint and sleep in the guest room or ask me to move over giving me the chance to say "I don't want to sleep in the same room as you while you are being ridiculous." Immature I know but you know, "when in Rome..." or apparently "When in America..." Instead he just got into bed laying on like the bottom corner with his feet hanging off and pretended not to notice. Okkkkkaaaaaaaay.
Our pointless conversation went on... and on... and on... and on....andonandonandon. He said we liked different kinds of foods (even if this were true I would hardly call it a MAJOR difference in our velief system).... I asked him what meals I made in the last month he didn't like... he said he liked all of them.... until it got to the point where he said "I just dont think we should get married when we have these huge differences to work out." and I exasperatedly asked "what differences are you talking about, you still haven't told me one?!?!?" Then I asked if he was just getting cold feet and was using this as an excuse, and to please explain to me what was going on. He told me that that wasn't it at all, he loved me to death and wanted to be with me..... he just wanted to work through all these (undefined...imaginary...(litterally unexplainable) problems first.
I was actually really proud of myself, I never lost my temper, never raised my voice, just kept TRYING to ask probing questions. I was so calm in fact that I fell asleep. It was like 12:30AM by this point giving me a short 5 hours to sleep. This morning we woke up, everything was great, got ready kissed each other goodbye.... and never spoke of it again.
What do I do? I think I am going to chalk this one up to momentary lapse of sanity on his part... or maybe he just felt the need to argue? Who knows. I guess until I hear some issue that we can actually work on I will just forgive-and-forget.