Last night was one of "those nights." Before I explain, let me preface by saying that Jerad and I don't fight much. Seriously! we are both big "talkers" so normally we just work through little things before they become big. The exception is usually when I am just super emotional for no apparent reason (I am THE PMS poster-child) and blow things out of proportion. Even then, I understand that I am the one being ridiculous. My ex was not a talker. He was a leave-the-room-later-pretend-it-never-happened-er. He was also a go-to-bed-angry-and-it-will-magically-work-itself-out-while-we-are-sleeping (er). This caused lots of problems. I don't feel like an issue is dealt with until it is discussed, the root of the problem is identified, we figure out how to prevent it in the future, and both get out everything we need to say. THEN I can go to bed happy and put it out of my mind. Early on in Jerad and my relationship, we decided that this method worked very well for us and would hopefully prevent fighting the same fight over and over. We also decided that we would never go to bed angry. This has resulted in about 3 sleepless nights over a 2 year time period where we literally talk ALL night but things always work themselves out. Then there was last night.
We got back from class at about 10:30 and were putting the dogs and cats in their various sleeping places and getting ourselves ready for bed. I made the comment "it is so weird to me how the US is so 'new' compared to other civilizations?"
his answer: "not really."
me: "I just mean, compared to say England, the Inca's, the Mayans, Egypt, we are just so new." I was basically just thinking out loud.
He then reminded me that the Indians were here before us for thousands of years.
"I know, but when I think of the settlers, I always think it was sooo long ago. Its only been a little over 200 years. Thats crazy to me!"
Again, just sharing a little THOUGHT I had.
He then starts telling me all about yeah but we came from England blah blah blah. WTF, are we seriously going to argue about this?
So I started saying stuff like WHAT I MEANT WAS the US is not like England where we have really old buildings and all this HISTORY. 200 years is just "new" to me.
This was not something I wanted to talk about. I was just voicing a little though and thinking he was going to say something like "yeah." and that would be it.
Then he just kept going on and on about England so I pointed out that you really can't compare our culture with England because the whole reason people came to America was for a CHANGE. You know, different form of Government, different religious views... Ahem, new way of life.
And.he.just.kept.arguing.
So I sarcastically said something like "whoa, I had no idea you felt so strongly. you're right, we are pretty much the oldest civilization ever... total opposite of new... i really don't care, we need to be awake in like 7 hours lets just go to bed."
Obviously, this pissed him off and opened a whole new can of worms. Before I knew it the conversation turned to him talking about how we had COMPLETELY different views on everything important.
me: like what?
him: everything that is important.
me: like?
him: just values, our whole belief system. you know, everything important.
me (calmly): I can tell this is really important to you and I am just trying to understand. can you give me an example.
him: stuff like how to raise kids.
me: what do we disagree on?
him: like if we have a daughter, when she can do stuff like wear makeup and date.
me: well, I think that something that one girl might be ready for at 13, another might not be till 17 and those kind of decisions should be based on the child, not some pre-set age we decide on before said child is even conceived. what do you think?
him: well, that is pretty much what I think. bad example. nevermind.
me: what are these other differences that are clearly driving you crazy?
him: like our religious beliefs.
me: what do I believe that is so different????
him: well, I can't think of anything off the top of my head.
It went on like this for a LONG TIME. me asking questions, him having no answer but insisting how we had these life altering fundamental differences. Damn you America and your newness, why did you have to bug my thoughts??? At some point during this I had gotten into bed and he was still getting ready and I kind of spread myself across the entire bed, clearly leaving no room for him and hoping he would get the hint and sleep in the guest room or ask me to move over giving me the chance to say "I don't want to sleep in the same room as you while you are being ridiculous." Immature I know but you know, "when in Rome..." or apparently "When in America..." Instead he just got into bed laying on like the bottom corner with his feet hanging off and pretended not to notice. Okkkkkaaaaaaaay.
Our pointless conversation went on... and on... and on... and on....andonandonandon. He said we liked different kinds of foods (even if this were true I would hardly call it a MAJOR difference in our velief system).... I asked him what meals I made in the last month he didn't like... he said he liked all of them.... until it got to the point where he said "I just dont think we should get married when we have these huge differences to work out." and I exasperatedly asked "what differences are you talking about, you still haven't told me one?!?!?" Then I asked if he was just getting cold feet and was using this as an excuse, and to please explain to me what was going on. He told me that that wasn't it at all, he loved me to death and wanted to be with me..... he just wanted to work through all these (undefined...imaginary...(litterally unexplainable) problems first.
I was actually really proud of myself, I never lost my temper, never raised my voice, just kept TRYING to ask probing questions. I was so calm in fact that I fell asleep. It was like 12:30AM by this point giving me a short 5 hours to sleep. This morning we woke up, everything was great, got ready kissed each other goodbye.... and never spoke of it again.
What do I do? I think I am going to chalk this one up to momentary lapse of sanity on his part... or maybe he just felt the need to argue? Who knows. I guess until I hear some issue that we can actually work on I will just forgive-and-forget.
10 comments:
My question would be does Jerad air all of his "stuff" on a blog page too? More than likely he is the type that doesn't like confrontation but does like conversation. Conversation is a two-way communication.... confrontation is a one-way communication with one asking questions and the other fending them off. When someone doesn't want to communicate you can't force them.... they will only evade your questions or tell you what they think you want to hear to get you off their back.
Why would you want to stay with someone who can't commit to you? There has got to be some problems somewhere if a total commitment can't be made.
I find it interesting that you say that "he.just.kept.arguing" But it sounds like you kept it up also. Remember the saying "it take two to tango".... well it takes two to argue. It is pretty hard to have a one sided fight.
You two sound like you could be best friends, even room mates. I don't believe you two should be sleeping together until marriage. And if the respect for you, or for him isn't there enough to make that total commitment then there shouldn't be any of the fringe benefits. Giving of ones self in that manner should be done in the highest respect for yourself and them. Why should there be any commitment if there is no respect.
I hope you find out soon if this is the relationship that you should be in.
Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts... and judgments. I think that if you are comfortable enough to judge us like this, you ought to be brave enough to post your name, but oh well. Anyways, to address all of your concerns. No Jerad doesn't air all his stuff on a blog... if you knew us at all you would know that he is onine about once a month... on a good month. He does however talk about our relationship with friends which is what I am doing here... and he reads everything that I write, so its not like I am "airing" our business behind his back or something...
Also, this post wasn't really about some big issue we are having, it is more of a retarded spat for people to laugh at. Secondly, Jerad has no problem with confrontation. We talk about everything. Confrontation is not as you say a "one way communication." It is by definition "the clashing of forces or ideas." Confrontation does not have to be negative at all and it is only through confrontation that you can reach a compromise.
I think its great that from one post you have decided that we could be best friends or roommates but not necessarily boyfriend and girlfriend... we were both before we started dating. Our not being married has nothing to do with us not having respect for each other and thats a pretty stretched judgment to make. As to your comment "I hope you find out soon if this is the relationship you should be in." After dating for over two years I know without a doubt that this is the relationship I want to be in and it gets better and stronger every day.
Somebody sounds pretty immature! I have known Stephanie and Jerad for a long time now and wish that my boyfriend and I had as good of communication as they do! You make it sound like Steph just bullies him or something which is not true. I wish more people realized how serious of a commitment marriage is, its not just an excuse to sleep together and is NOT something that should be rushed into no matter how well you know each other.
Kudos to you Steph for sharing your life with us so openly. I love it and I love you and don't let silly judgy people get you down.
Julie
Well.... can I get an AMEN!!!! That comment from sissy anonymous was more like a sermon I heard way back in the day in the old south when preachers could still be park of the kkk and nobody said anything! Anyway let me just say let he who is without sin cast the first stone. I think the blog was more meant to be humerous, we have all been there in our various relationships married or not, I found it to be something I could relate to and be like, ya it is dumb to argue about stupid stuff. While blogging about personal stuff is not for everyone... I feel like steph would not do it if it was really hurting Jerad. As far as a question of commitment, well thats another story cause I think there are a whole lot of married people FAILING at being commited so commitment is clearly not just defined by marriage. Final word, let God be the judge, he is the only one that is good at it.
to anonymous, i don't agree with everything you have written. i don't air things on a blog page its not who i am, but its ok that steph does. im not totally into everything that she posts but im ok with a little embarrassment because steph loves this so much and is good at it. your use of the word confrontation is correct in one meaning "the state of being confronted", but the conflict in question was not so much a confrontation as it was a simple argument with questions and answers much like many other kinds of arguments. i do agree with your comment about the whole commitment thing...lets both hope she sticks with me till i get my stuff together. you are right that it takes two to argue, but i don't think when she wrote this she meant it like she wasn't arguing. i don't believe in the giving of ones self in that manner before marriage either and im trying to correct that problem, its hard to go what feels like the wrong way in order to achieve something you know is right. i know that doing the right thing and getting right with God first is the only way to be able to love someone completely and be capable to do so for the rest of your life. respect is not the problem, i respect her as a woman a girlfriend and as a welder (she is freakin good). so i appreciate your interest and concern and hope you keep reading the blogs.
I must admit, I do feel very old at this moment. It is very strange to read about someones argument on a blog. I am from the era where you never let anyone know you even argued. I would say that maybe you have it much better. At least Jerad can never say that he doesn't know how Stephanie feels. That is a big advantage.
What makes a comment a judgement? When I submit my comment am I submitting my judgement of you too?
If so let me be up front with my judgement of you both. I wish you were married, but maybe it is my age that automatically wants that. I wish Jerad that you didn't feel like "doing what is right is going the wrong direction".
I know that you and Steph love each other and I am trying to understand how you can live together. But see there it is again, that old age talking again. I wish for both of you to find total happiness with each other as long as you can. I wish you could be roommates only but then reality is!
My prayer for you and the rest of my children is to be happy, healthy and to love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind and soul. I love you both.
Just to clarify, when Jerad said "doing what is right is going the wrong direction" he meant that we made a decision to stop sleeping together until we ARE married.
Is that TMI?
Anyways, we have taken a few other "steps back" and are working on some other things before we move forward if that makes any sense.
Thanks for finding my blog:)
Wow, what a great thing to hear. I pray that you both will be able to stand firm in your convictions and if that total commitment happens that it will be like you two had never been together before your honeymoon. I know I am an old fashioned sap.
thanks:) btw I am in your kitchen right now...
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