Pregnancy Rant

Also "Things not to say to a Pregnant Woman"

"Whoa, you look like you're ready to blow!" (courtesy of the Trader Joe's checker)

"When are you due? Oh, are you having twins?" (courtesy of someone due in one week that is waaaaaaaay smaller than me. And like 2 feet taller.)

"My ankles are swollen too, that's why I'm wearing flip flops." (same nice girl. Actually, I just like wearing flip flops, bite me.)

"Looks like you're ready to pop!" (Well when my water breaks I hope its all over your feet. Touche.)

"Pretty soon we're gonna need a forklift to get you out of your chair!" (Thanks coworker)

"Well, look who's eating for two!" (Um, I'm eating an APPLE and CUCUMBER. How's that BigMac you're scarfing down?)

"Whoa, you've gotten huge since last time I saw you!" (didn't your mom teach you to think before you speak? HOW can this ever come out nice?)

"Man, and you still have how many weeks?" (thanks &*^*%^%$^%#)

"You'll be waddling soon!" (?!?!?)

"How much have you gained so far?" (proceeded by a story of how they gained over 55 lbs while pregnant and looked about like me. At the end. When they delivered.)

Basically I think this is karma for all the times in the past when I have probably commented to friends about how they were growing.... I think that people just don't know what to say to prego's so they ask how you're doooooooooing, make weight comments, and ask if you are going to have pain meds or an episiotomy, or just regale you with pregnancy/birth horror stories.

The comments that really boggle my mind are:

"oh, Jerad must be so thankful/happy/excited its a boy!"
-Yes, if we were having a girl he was planning on putting her up on Craigslist then trying again actually.

"are you excited?"
-no, I asked santa for a PONY... I don't know how this happened.
Seriously, of course I'm excited. Just because I don't have a banner over my head proclaiming my over abounding joy doesn't mean I'm not stoked.


"do you miss seeing your feet?"
-eh, I was never a big feet person. I do miss seeing my va jay-jay. Honestly. This had never occurred to me before. I think people complaining about their disappearing feet and not being able to shave their legs is really a euphemism for "who knows what is going on with my vagina these days." Seriously, moms how did you stay groomed?

The moral of the story is there are some pregnant women who would like to talk about something other than being pregnant. Ask them "what's new" first. If they start spewing off all sorts of preg/birth/baby stuff, just complement them on their top or "glow" or something. If they have cankles, they already know... you don't have to tell them.

If they want to talk about something ELSE because the only conversations they have anymore all revolve around pregnancy, maybe indulge that too. Or talk about something juicy... like Kate Gosslin's redic hair extensions.