Monday, October 6, 2008

Yin and Yang

When I was one year old, my mother had an affair with a foul-mouthed member of the Hell's Angels. 8 months later, my baby sister Melinda was born. She was cute and cuddly and we thought that she took more after my mom that her illegitimate father. Then she grew up and lordy lordy help us all....

Okay, that might not be a true story but it sort of could be. Pretty much my sisters are all fully and completely related to me (so my parents claim) but sometimes you wouldn't know it.

The differences started when we were little. If I got mad at my mom I would make passive aggressive quiet little comments that I later found out made her doubt her abilities as a parent and just feel bad in general. Oops, sorry mom. Normally I would just get in trouble and spanked, or sent to my room as soon as I was in trouble. When Melinda was really little (like 2 and 3) she would fling herself on the ground and scream bloody murder until she ran out of breath and her face turned purple and kick her hands and feet. A bit over dramatic. Later (like the 5-7 range) she graduated into screaming "I HATE YOU" and slamming our bedroom door. Really hard.

I remembering being soo jealous that she could get away with that and I couldn't. Not that I hated my mom, and I knew that she didn't either, but that she could scream and slam doors and not have a consequence and I would have been in so much trouble. I said something to my mom once and she told me that "you girls just express yourselves differently." Okaaaaayyyy....

Whatever, thats what they always say about being the oldest right, you pave the way for the younger ones to get away with more... but you get to move out first. Mwahahaha.

I'm not saying my sister was a crazy screaming kicking kid, we were both pretty well behaved. But she did earn the nickname "Mad-dog Melinda" for certain occasions. And I learned to internalize things.

Then because I skipped a few grades and graduated when I was 16, moved out young, she moved down south, we grew apart and haven't really been close until now. She turned 21 in April and I just turned 24. I have turned into more of a 'peacemaker' that (for the most part) totally stresses about hurting anyone's feelings. And she is a hard-ass that always speaks her mind and lives with no regrets. If you think about it, she is probably a happier person than me because she always says what is on her mind. Although, she will TELL you that she oftentimes feels bad for what she says, but I just can't believe that. At least she can go to sleep at night knowing that she said what she meant or felt at the time, instead of being like me and replaying the conversation over in her head and desperately wishing, "If only I had said _________!"

One Mother's Day, Melinda and my mom were talking about getting the grandparents Mpther's Day gifts. Her MIL thought that because they were "mothers," Melinda should get them presents. Melinda thought that since they weren't HER mother, she shouldn't, but she would love to celebrate them on Grandparent's Day. Lo and behold on Mother's day there were cards with Melinda's name signed (forged). And this wasn't the first year it had happened.

I would have thought it was sweet, or at least not said anything. But, you guessed it, Melinda called her MIL out. I doubt she will be getting her named signed to anything else in the future. At least, I hope not for her MIL's sake!

She has said the words "fuck you" to her boss. More.than.once.

When one of our neighbors was having a problem with one of their neighbors being too loud, they came to Melinda to have her talk to the noisy neighbor and lay down the law.

At the fair this year I really wanted a steam mop. Melinda talked the guy down like $80, and got him to throw in $60 worth of free cleaning pads. The most ANYONE else had gotten off that I saw was $20 and $20 of free pads. She shamed him into it. I thought he might cry.

I've seen her scream at the neighbors house that they need to learn to park, very loudly and quasi-drunk (I think some cussing may also have been involved). I guess they deserved it though, after the note they left on her car some time before. I also have it on good authority that she reported their car as being on the street for over 48 hours in retaliation for said note.
I have seen (well, heard about, I should say) the time when Melinda shamed a baggage checker-in-er into personally RUNNING their laggage across the airport and personally stashing it on the plane when MELINDA AND LARRY checked in too late for their flight to check in luggage. And, no transfer of money was involved. And their luggage made it on their plane. I want to know how she pulled that one off!

She also once told me about the time (when she was working "down South" as a paralegal for a big firm) when she told off Kevin Federline's attorney (on a different case), irritated him to the point he hung up on her, and ended up getting a raise from her boss of the ordeal.

So anyways, all of this is an "intro" to Melinda's latest gutsy move: her blog that has taken gutsy to the extreme. I don't know where the heck she gets her courage from, but I wouldn't want her to lose it for the world.While reading her latest post, I teetered between heart attack and tears from laughing so hard. That girl has some brass balls I tell ya.

Again I'll just recommend reading her if you don't already. She talks about everything from her sex life, to boob jobs, to fighting with her hubby and threatening her neighbors. I think I like her blog cause it gives me ammunition when talking to Jerad. This phrase has been known to come up, "it could be worse, you could be dating Melinda..." Then he shutters in fear or pees his pants. Just kidding. About the pants peeing.


The Bitchy Wife said...

HAHA!! Well Steph, I had no idea you felt that way! For the record, I do really feel bad about the things I say SOMETIMES. It just depends on the circumstances. Mostly with family. Well, mostly with Larry's family. Our family is pretty cool in that you can tell them how you really feel and while you may disagree, its ok. I have found that Larry's family does not want to know how you really feel about anything, they just want you to pretend to be perfectly happy about everything and everyone. Ooops, see, I probably shouldn't have said that. Damn!

Oh, also, about the comment that you threaten Jerad with me: Umm, all I can say is whatever. I am wonderful to be with! ;) Regardless, I can bend in really, really cool ways. Ways that you probably haven't even heard of!!

I think the moral of your story should be that I am very loyal. Just NEVER get on my bad side. 'Cause then you're fucked.


Lawrence Hart said...

I dont know why Jerad would be so scared of Melinda. I just think that he is a pansy. There is no one that i would rather be married to. I love you Melinda!

Steph said...

Dude, I take yoga classes... don't get me started on bendy.

You better hope Larry's family doesn't read your/my blog or THEY are going to put a dead squirrel in your mail box. And for the record I think most ppl like being polite rather than being brutally honest:)

Steph said...

OKay, I say they Melinda comment as a JOKE. Like if Larry is pissed at Melinda, Melinda could say to him "het, at least I don't throw beans like Steph."

I don't really mean it as a threat:)

Steph said...

sheesh, let me try that again w/o spelling errors:

Okay, I say the Melinda comment as a JOKE. Like if Larry is pissed at Melinda, Melinda could say to him "hey, at least I don't throw beans like Steph."

I don't really mean it as a threat:)

Steph said...

PS, and Larry, Jerad is kind of a Pansy, he is scared of me too :)

The Bitchy Wife said...

Hahaha! I had totally forgotten about the bean incident. That was the funniest thing of my life. But its also even funnier b/c like a week after that, when Larry was unhappy with me for something, I DID say "well at least I don't throw beans at you!" Heh.

And yeah, if his family does read our blogs, I am silently getting more negative check marks on my name for "being real." I'm betting on a passive aggressive fuck-up of the holiday plans though instead of a dead squirrel. I'll keep you posted on that :)

And yes, I never said I was "likeable" just "loyal". You've totally got me beat on the "I would like to be friends with her" front. But, if I actually make it to the friend stage with someone, I am on their ass like drool on baby toys. You just can't get rid of me! That's called "loyal" :)

Finally, I LOVE YOU TOO, Larry!

Somebody's getting the good lovin' tonight..

Steph said...


I don't know if its because I didn't get any sleep... if because you've been layin' on the hooch at work but I do not understand what you mean about holiday plans OR th "I would like to be friends with her front"

Also, I think not being able to get rid of someone... is called having a stalker:)